Whoever Brought Me Here - Poem by Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi
All day I think about it, then at night I say it.
Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?
I have no idea.
My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that,
and I intend to end up there.
This drunkenness began in some other tavern.
When I get back around to that place,
I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile,
I'm like a bird from another continent, sitting in this aviary.
The day is coming when I fly off,
but who is it now in my ear who hears my voice?
Who says words with my mouth?
Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?
I cannot stop asking.
If I could taste one sip of an answer,
I could break out of this prison for drunks.
I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.
Whoever brought me here, will have to take me home.
This poetry. I never know what I'm going to say.
I don't plan it.
When I'm outside the saying of it,
I get very quiet and rarely speak at all.
Thursday, January 14, 2016
A Gentle Poem of Hope for the Burnt Out
I'm burnt out. I feel lonely. I feel exhausted. I feel tired, and I don't want to take another step. Not even a step towards my own healing. I've given too much. I gave and I gave, even when I did not have it in me to give. And I did it for too long.
Is that what burnout feels like to you?
I found a kind poem today by John O'Donohue.
A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted
--by John O'Donohue
When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"
--by John O'Donohue (Jul 26, 2011)
When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"
- See more at: http://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=736#sthash.Q1H7eQRR.dpuf
--by John O'Donohue (Jul 26, 2011)
When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"
- See more at: http://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=736#sthash.Q1H7eQRR.dpuf
--by John O'Donohue (Jul 26, 2011)
When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"
- See more at: http://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=736#sthash.Q1H7eQRR.dpuf
Is that what burnout feels like to you?
I found a kind poem today by John O'Donohue.
A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted
--by John O'Donohue
When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"
A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted
--by John O'Donohue (Jul 26, 2011)
When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"
A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted
--by John O'Donohue (Jul 26, 2011)
When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"
A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted
--by John O'Donohue (Jul 26, 2011)
When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,
The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.
Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.
The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.
You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.
At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.
You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.
Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.
Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.
Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.
Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.
Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.
Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"
Saturday, January 9, 2016
The Advantage Non-Conversationalists Have Over Others
“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.”
- Marcus Aurelius,
Meditations
The following post is based on a discovery I made with a friend yesterday.
I reflected on the early years of my life when I was a quiet, contemplative person. I loved to hear people talk, but didn't have much to say. If I had any opinions, I held on to them. I didn't think that discussing my opinions would change my mind. I had come to my conclusions after thorough reasoning and so, having my thoughts and opinions refuted and criticized by others didn't appeal to me. I didn't feel threatened by it, I just felt like it was an unnecessary exercise. Then as I grew older, I gradually became more talkative. I think I am a decent conversationalist. (The 7 Habits book taught me the immutable truth that listening is the better part of a conversation.)
Until yesterday, I had thought that being comfortable with speaking to almost anyone, on almost any topic, was only a good thing.
Not so.
The strength that (some) conversationalists have is that they express their views freely and they listen to the views of others freely. So when I speak to people, I am trying to exercise my objectivity (to the best of my ability). The trouble with objectivity is that it is open-ended. When I encounter a thought or opinion held by another, I instantly give it weight and start my mental gymnastics of analyzing, reasoning, and justifying. (I'm not going to consider simply 'talkative' individuals in this post because they are almost never interested in what the other person is saying, and therefore are immune to the pitfalls that I'm about to discuss.)
While this mental gymnastics can be fun while discussing casual topics, you can imagine what happens when I leave myself open to suggestions at a difficult time of my life. If I speak to too many people about a personal subject, I am completely bogged down with far too many opinions. During the most difficult time of my life, when trying to make the decision to resign or continue at my painful job, this habit of consulting with too many people completely crippled my ability to make a (personal) decision. I shared my predicament with too many people (in this instance, anyone other than myself should be considered 'too many') and that led to me considering too many responses and opinions. That was a huge problem. I realized eventually that I couldn't give weight to my own thoughts while the thoughts and opinions of others were crammed inside my head, fighting for space and screaming to be heard.
My profession was a contributor to this behaviour. Every project I had ever worked on needed lengthy discussions with people from different departments. The best work resulted from the right amount of involvement from others. 13 years of working in this field had successfully conditioned me. And now, very nearly all my personal decisions went through a panel.... a panel of friends, loved ones, and sometimes even complete strangers. Sadly, the methods that contribute to a successful project, also contributed to an excruciating painful personal failure. It's sad to realize that I paid for my crime, of committing such a simple mistake, with many distressing months of indecision and turmoil.
Back to my late teenage years, when I was a very quiet and contemplative individual. I used to observe a great deal and had near infinite confidence in my decisions. So I made decisions freely. I accepted full responsibility for my decisions and dealt with the consequences head-on. My personal growth was unprecedented. And I didn't often blame others for ... anything, really.
It was a lonely time as well, because when there was a bump on the road, no one helped me. And I never asked for help. (I didn't really trust anyone's advice either.)
What changed me was University. By the time I was in 4th year, I realized that I had to work in groups and that I needed to interact with others. I had to collaborate with strangers to finish a project. Naturally my conversation skills improved, and as it turned out, I had a hidden love for it.
I love talking to people. I love listening to the varied opinions of people from different walks of life, from different countries, races and cultures.
But...
I have realized the advantage that I used to have when I didn't converse so freely with people:
I implicitly trusted my inner wisdom
And that is something that will either make or break your life. Your entire quality of life is dependent on this one thing: Self-trust.
To non-conversationalists, I say: You have a great advantage over others. You value your thoughts and opinions. Keep that alive. It doesn't matter that others look "cooler" while they chat incessantly about seemingly meaningless, mindless, useless topics. Always remember that you have a strength: self-trust.
To conversationalists, I say: Hold on to your integrity. Listen to your inner wisdom. Conferring with five hundred people will not help you make a decision that is best for you. You cannot value everyone's opinions equally. You can respect the thoughts and feelings of others, from a distance. But realize that you are the master of your destiny. Your successes and failures are your own. You cannot successfully blame others for making your mistakes, no matter how much advice you took and from how many people.
I remember a lady engineer I used to work with, who I respect deeply. She always had this mystical inner strength and a self-reliance that I gazed at in awe. Now I know what it was. This engineer was not a poor conversationalist by any means - she was popular and she was a great public speaker. But I rarely saw her engage in casual conversation. Very rarely.
Suddenly I see a connection: when she needed to consult with others, she did so admirably. But 90% of the time, she didn't need to, and so she kept her thoughts private. And staying private gave her the inherent ability to trust herself and trust her decisions. She was never swayed by anyone, she hardly disliked anyone, she never gossiped, she never asked for anyone's opinion on anything.... She marched to her own tune.
And that is an incredibly powerful way to live.
Friday, January 8, 2016
The (Very Real) Gender Disparity in Engineering
In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned how I enjoy swimming against the tide and that was probably one of the reasons why I stayed in Engineering for so long.
I enjoy proving people wrong about racial and gender related preconceptions. I live in Canada, and have only heard some people complain about racism. I am not white, and I haven't faced racism in my 20 years here. I love it here, and that is why I stay. I'm sure there are unfortunate circumstances that some people from minority groups do encounter. And I hope I never encounter those.
But sadly, that has not been the case with gender disparity in the Engineering profession. My encounter with this came late in my career.
17 years ago, When I got into engineering school, I couldn't have given two hoots about who my classmates were. Statistics were meaningless to me. I wanted an engineering degree and that's all that mattered to me. When I graduated, I noticed that out of the 40 graduates, 3 were girls. That didn't make any difference to me.
When I was started working as a junior engineer, I found people to be very encouraging. I had the good fortune of having two good mentors who were willing to give me advice and correct my errors. Later in my career, these same ex-mentors were happy to hear my expertise on certain subjects that I had (somewhat) mastered. (Keep in mind, I've only been doing this for 13 years - not 30.)
However, when it came time to promote me to senior engineer level, I was passed over year after year. (I have mentioned this before.) I would have kept my rose coloured glasses on for a few more years had my manager not told me - in a career review meeting - that I had hit a 'glass ceiling' and that I would have to "live with it" because my manager would do nothing about it. This was unconscionable. I casually mentioned this to HR (because I know the golden rule that HR will always side with management) and was told, "Hmm.... yes. I can see why you were told that." An inappropriate response, to say the least.
However, despite being passed over for a promotion year after year, (while 3 of my male counterparts were rewarded and promoted on time), my work load and my project responsibilities kept increasing. I was leading small and big projects, dealing with clients daily, doing all the site inspections and site commissioning for my department, and burning out as a result of the overwork. I was being given little gift cards in appreciation of my slavery. But no promotion. It was a very confusing and frustrating time in my life.
The Machiavellian nature of this 'glass ceiling notification' experience was because of my manager's gender: She was a woman. If upper management had told her to convey the 'glass ceiling' blow to me, it would have been a stroke of genius. I would never be able to make a case (to any authority outside my company). But I don't think it was that sophisticated. My manager was lazy, crass and aggressive: a Brute. So why did she bother telling me anything? I think it may have been as simple as not wanting to give me a raise that year. Remember that she was a brute, after all. She swung an axe when slight tap would do. (In less than 3 years, 20% of our department had resigned because of her.) (June 2016 update: this lady has now been forced to step down from her position as department head and also been forced to take a leave of absence.)
Definition:
noun: glass ceiling; plural noun: glass ceilings
an unofficially acknowledged barrier to advancement in a profession, especially affecting women and members of minorities.
In response to the misogyny, I just found a different job with a better title in a different company.
Unfortunately, I found out that the entire engineering industry is burdened with very limiting notions about women.
At my new employers, I was the lead electrical engineer on a $500 million dollar project, and I had to fight for 3 months to be taken seriously. A man my age would not have had to do it for that long. One week would have been enough.
After those 3 months were over, and I successfully conveyed that I knew what I was talking about, people relied on me heavily. And life went on.
But today, I had a very interesting conversation that opened my eyes to a more dismal reality. I had hoped that this gender disparity was only a problem in male-dominated professions like engineering. Sadly, this is not true. Apparently, this is a problem in medicine and accounting as well.... professions that I thought had a higher representation of women.
I have to say that on one hand, I was a bit relieved to hear it, because the resistance to women experts is present in all facets of professional life. But on the other hand, I am completely heart-broken.
If I had read this post 5 years ago, I would have laughed in disbelief.
To see the situation from this side of the veil, I had to graduate to the level of 'Senior Engineer', a technical lead, in order to experience this sad truth. I read the book Lean In. I thought it was a well-written joke. (A dull book, but a well-crafted joke.) Telling management my career goals and promotion expectations in clear, concrete terms did fucking zero. I have all the printed documents that are worth as much today as they were 5 years ago: Absolutely Nothing.
As a caveat, I have to say that some sorts of women did get promoted in Engineering: The Non-Technical types. They all had children. (Not having children was actually held against me.) And they all performed some perfunctory, managerial, paper-pushing role. Most of them were extremely timid. But I got the one brute for a manager.
I am grateful, however, to the exceptional men I have encountered in my field. I am always humbled when an electrician calls and says he only trusts me, and won't speak to anyone else in my company. I am infinitely grateful to my senior mentor who has 40-45 years of engineering experience, and treats me with kindness and respect and conveys hope to me in all possible ways. I am grateful to have worked with people who knew what they are doing and took pride in it. It felt good to be recognized for my work regardless of my ability to grow facial hair. I am always filled with gratitude when my technically competent (read snob) co-workers said they liked my work because "at least there's one person who knows what they are doing".
I am infinitely grateful to my parents for raising me with no knowledge of these obtuse gender differences in society. My mother is a strong woman, and my father was always utterly clueless that women ought to be unequal to men - maybe because he had a very strong and very intelligent mother. Their genuine belief that men and women are equal came across in their actions. Both my brother and I went to karate class. And both my brother and I cooked meals with my dad.
And nobody liked to do the dishes.
I enjoy proving people wrong about racial and gender related preconceptions. I live in Canada, and have only heard some people complain about racism. I am not white, and I haven't faced racism in my 20 years here. I love it here, and that is why I stay. I'm sure there are unfortunate circumstances that some people from minority groups do encounter. And I hope I never encounter those.
But sadly, that has not been the case with gender disparity in the Engineering profession. My encounter with this came late in my career.
17 years ago, When I got into engineering school, I couldn't have given two hoots about who my classmates were. Statistics were meaningless to me. I wanted an engineering degree and that's all that mattered to me. When I graduated, I noticed that out of the 40 graduates, 3 were girls. That didn't make any difference to me.
When I was started working as a junior engineer, I found people to be very encouraging. I had the good fortune of having two good mentors who were willing to give me advice and correct my errors. Later in my career, these same ex-mentors were happy to hear my expertise on certain subjects that I had (somewhat) mastered. (Keep in mind, I've only been doing this for 13 years - not 30.)
However, when it came time to promote me to senior engineer level, I was passed over year after year. (I have mentioned this before.) I would have kept my rose coloured glasses on for a few more years had my manager not told me - in a career review meeting - that I had hit a 'glass ceiling' and that I would have to "live with it" because my manager would do nothing about it. This was unconscionable. I casually mentioned this to HR (because I know the golden rule that HR will always side with management) and was told, "Hmm.... yes. I can see why you were told that." An inappropriate response, to say the least.
However, despite being passed over for a promotion year after year, (while 3 of my male counterparts were rewarded and promoted on time), my work load and my project responsibilities kept increasing. I was leading small and big projects, dealing with clients daily, doing all the site inspections and site commissioning for my department, and burning out as a result of the overwork. I was being given little gift cards in appreciation of my slavery. But no promotion. It was a very confusing and frustrating time in my life.
The Machiavellian nature of this 'glass ceiling notification' experience was because of my manager's gender: She was a woman. If upper management had told her to convey the 'glass ceiling' blow to me, it would have been a stroke of genius. I would never be able to make a case (to any authority outside my company). But I don't think it was that sophisticated. My manager was lazy, crass and aggressive: a Brute. So why did she bother telling me anything? I think it may have been as simple as not wanting to give me a raise that year. Remember that she was a brute, after all. She swung an axe when slight tap would do. (In less than 3 years, 20% of our department had resigned because of her.) (June 2016 update: this lady has now been forced to step down from her position as department head and also been forced to take a leave of absence.)
Definition:
noun: glass ceiling; plural noun: glass ceilings
an unofficially acknowledged barrier to advancement in a profession, especially affecting women and members of minorities.
In response to the misogyny, I just found a different job with a better title in a different company.
Unfortunately, I found out that the entire engineering industry is burdened with very limiting notions about women.
At my new employers, I was the lead electrical engineer on a $500 million dollar project, and I had to fight for 3 months to be taken seriously. A man my age would not have had to do it for that long. One week would have been enough.
After those 3 months were over, and I successfully conveyed that I knew what I was talking about, people relied on me heavily. And life went on.
But today, I had a very interesting conversation that opened my eyes to a more dismal reality. I had hoped that this gender disparity was only a problem in male-dominated professions like engineering. Sadly, this is not true. Apparently, this is a problem in medicine and accounting as well.... professions that I thought had a higher representation of women.
I have to say that on one hand, I was a bit relieved to hear it, because the resistance to women experts is present in all facets of professional life. But on the other hand, I am completely heart-broken.
If I had read this post 5 years ago, I would have laughed in disbelief.
To see the situation from this side of the veil, I had to graduate to the level of 'Senior Engineer', a technical lead, in order to experience this sad truth. I read the book Lean In. I thought it was a well-written joke. (A dull book, but a well-crafted joke.) Telling management my career goals and promotion expectations in clear, concrete terms did fucking zero. I have all the printed documents that are worth as much today as they were 5 years ago: Absolutely Nothing.
As a caveat, I have to say that some sorts of women did get promoted in Engineering: The Non-Technical types. They all had children. (Not having children was actually held against me.) And they all performed some perfunctory, managerial, paper-pushing role. Most of them were extremely timid. But I got the one brute for a manager.
I am grateful, however, to the exceptional men I have encountered in my field. I am always humbled when an electrician calls and says he only trusts me, and won't speak to anyone else in my company. I am infinitely grateful to my senior mentor who has 40-45 years of engineering experience, and treats me with kindness and respect and conveys hope to me in all possible ways. I am grateful to have worked with people who knew what they are doing and took pride in it. It felt good to be recognized for my work regardless of my ability to grow facial hair. I am always filled with gratitude when my technically competent (read snob) co-workers said they liked my work because "at least there's one person who knows what they are doing".
I am infinitely grateful to my parents for raising me with no knowledge of these obtuse gender differences in society. My mother is a strong woman, and my father was always utterly clueless that women ought to be unequal to men - maybe because he had a very strong and very intelligent mother. Their genuine belief that men and women are equal came across in their actions. Both my brother and I went to karate class. And both my brother and I cooked meals with my dad.
And nobody liked to do the dishes.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Tenets To Live By (For Recovering Overachievers): Prohairesis
I suppose there are two kinds of over-achievers.
(a) Those who over-achieve naturally, regardless of the input of others. They just follow their instincts and their heart and the result is: exceptional achievement.
And then there are ....
(b) Those who grind themselves to the ground in their efforts to please their relatives and peers. Their lack of self-acceptance completely overshadows any other thoughts, feelings or emotions. They pursue self-acceptance through the eyes of others. And it is a horrid journey.
I've taken this journey because I belong to 'b' family. (Maybe I should have reversed the list above so I could belong to 'a' family instead. 'a' sounds superior to 'b'.)
Pleasing others is exhausting. Members of 'b' family burn out, loathe themselves in varying degrees, get sick and unhealthy from overwork and exhaustion, and look a bit foolish doing all this. They look most foolish to themselves because they wonder ... what (the heck) are they doing and who are they doing it for?
I asked myself those last two questions daily and never got an answer better than, "Well, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm sure as heck not doing it for me."
I have, in my pursuit of philosophy, stumbled across a few wonderful ideas that I wish to incorporate into my daily life. And I will present them one by one.
In a very simple sense, Prohairesis is the result of a happy collaboration between our rational thought (logos) and our irrational desires (orexis). "The concord of reason and desire." (1) Charles Chamberlain writes beautifully on this.
Aristotle says this: In our daily lives, once we have rationally decided to pursue a course of action, we must align our desire with that action. "We must make our desire accord with reason."
"Children and animals have no share in prohairesis." (1)
Aristotle goes on to say that:
Where I disagree:
Chamberlain goes on to say that, "The engkrates, who has also undertaken a commitment, feels the pull of desire, but perseveres. By doing so, he allows new desire to form."
I can guarantee that the writer of this post (that's me) is a quintessential engkrates that did not develop a new desire. I undertook a commitment (engineering), I felt the pull of desire (other meaningful and honourable pursuits), I persevered (4 years of engineering and 13 years of professional practice), and it ended in despair. No seeds of desire sprung into saplings of corporate greed, or deceitful tactics. Neither did the love of endless toil that bore sub-par fruit blossom in my tender heart.
However, I think Prohairesis has hopes for the likes of us (i.e. overachieving people pleasers) in Epictetus' Discourses below (2):
I cannot control the rational thought or the desires of another. (Read as: my verbally abuse co-worker has his/her own set of rational thoughts and desires. Neither am I privy to them, nor do I have any control of them. How insultingly simple.)
And in this alone lies good and evil. My participation is secured - by the greatest actor of this play: ME.
References:
(a) Those who over-achieve naturally, regardless of the input of others. They just follow their instincts and their heart and the result is: exceptional achievement.
And then there are ....
(b) Those who grind themselves to the ground in their efforts to please their relatives and peers. Their lack of self-acceptance completely overshadows any other thoughts, feelings or emotions. They pursue self-acceptance through the eyes of others. And it is a horrid journey.
I've taken this journey because I belong to 'b' family. (Maybe I should have reversed the list above so I could belong to 'a' family instead. 'a' sounds superior to 'b'.)
Pleasing others is exhausting. Members of 'b' family burn out, loathe themselves in varying degrees, get sick and unhealthy from overwork and exhaustion, and look a bit foolish doing all this. They look most foolish to themselves because they wonder ... what (the heck) are they doing and who are they doing it for?
I asked myself those last two questions daily and never got an answer better than, "Well, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm sure as heck not doing it for me."
I have, in my pursuit of philosophy, stumbled across a few wonderful ideas that I wish to incorporate into my daily life. And I will present them one by one.
Prohairesis
(Stoicism, Aristotle, Epictetus)
In a very simple sense, Prohairesis is the result of a happy collaboration between our rational thought (logos) and our irrational desires (orexis). "The concord of reason and desire." (1) Charles Chamberlain writes beautifully on this.
Aristotle says this: In our daily lives, once we have rationally decided to pursue a course of action, we must align our desire with that action. "We must make our desire accord with reason."
"Children and animals have no share in prohairesis." (1)
Aristotle goes on to say that:
"The weak willed man (akrates) acts in accordance with desire, not with commitment (prohairoumenos), while the continent man (engkrates) on the other hand acts in accordance with commitment not with desire."
Where I disagree:
Chamberlain goes on to say that, "The engkrates, who has also undertaken a commitment, feels the pull of desire, but perseveres. By doing so, he allows new desire to form."
I can guarantee that the writer of this post (that's me) is a quintessential engkrates that did not develop a new desire. I undertook a commitment (engineering), I felt the pull of desire (other meaningful and honourable pursuits), I persevered (4 years of engineering and 13 years of professional practice), and it ended in despair. No seeds of desire sprung into saplings of corporate greed, or deceitful tactics. Neither did the love of endless toil that bore sub-par fruit blossom in my tender heart.
However, I think Prohairesis has hopes for the likes of us (i.e. overachieving people pleasers) in Epictetus' Discourses below (2):
"No one is master of another's prohairesis [moral
character], and in this alone lies good and evil. No one, therefore,
can secure the good for me, or involve me in evil, but I alone have
authority over myself in these matters." (Discourses 4.12.7–8, trans. Dobbin)
I cannot control the rational thought or the desires of another. (Read as: my verbally abuse co-worker has his/her own set of rational thoughts and desires. Neither am I privy to them, nor do I have any control of them. How insultingly simple.)
And in this alone lies good and evil. My participation is secured - by the greatest actor of this play: ME.
"Some things are up to us [eph' hêmin] and some
things are not up to us. Our opinions are up to us, and our impulses,
desires, aversions–in short, whatever is our own doing. Our bodies are
not up to us, nor are our possessions, our reputations, or our public
offices, or, that is, whatever is not our own doing." (Handbook 1.1, trans. White)
If we took control of, took responsibility for, those things that are within our power, that are up to us, we would be happy. Would we not?
We try so hard to control the happiness of others by working 80 hours a week, abandoning our families, neglecting our bodies, but can we control the happiness of our bosses? No. They remain unhappy. The jokes I kept hearing during crunch time, "He's a crabby old man because his wife doesn't put out." have a terrible ring of truth to them. We don't know why he's crabby.... we don't know what motivates the other, yet we try so hard to control their responses.
We ignore the things we can control. Our own mood, desires, location, health, happiness. We sacrifice these things, why? Has it been taught to us from a young age? Or can we be brave enough to admit that it is in our nature to do this?
Every time I feel seething rage at someone else for their behaviour, I must remember that what I can control is my anger and not their behaviour. When I feel crushed and broken after receiving a poor review of my work, all I have to do is identify that my feelings of dismay are within my control and the review presented to me is not.
That which we have power over, we must take responsibility for. Then we must proceed to control it, for therein lies our happiness. The moods, whims, fantasies, wishes, desires, anger, disappointment of the other is not within our power. To try and control it is madness.
It is therefore a sin to give our efforts away to fruitless endeavour. It is an affront to us, and to nature, to try and defy what is laid out in front of us.
Be the master of your mood, and therefore your fate. Let the other master his/her own destiny.
And in this way, let us be selfish. Would the world not be a better place?
References:
(1) The Meaning of Prohairesis in Aristotle's Ethics
Charles Chamberlain
Transactions of the American Philological Association (1974-)
Vol. 114 (1984), pp. 147-157
(2) http://www.iep.utm.edu/epictetu/
"To maintain our prohairesis (moral character) in the proper condition – the successful accomplishment of this being necessary and sufficient for eudaimonia ('happiness') – we must understand what is eph' hêmin ('in our power' or 'up to us'; see Discourses 1.22.9–16). If we do not do this, our prohairesis will remain in a faulty condition, for we will remain convinced that things such as wealth and status are good when they are really indifferent, troubled by frustrations and anxieties, subject to disturbing emotions we do not want and cannot control, all of which make life unpleasant and unrewarding, sometimes overwhelmingly so. This is why Epictetus remarks: 'This is the proper goal, to practise how to remove from one's life sorrows and laments, and cries of "Alas" and "Poor me", and misfortune and disappointment' (Discourses 1.4.23, trans. Dobbin).
What is in our power is the capacity to adapt ourselves to all that comes about, to judge anything that is 'dispreferred' not as bad, but as indifferent and not strong enough to overwhelm our strength of character.
The Handbook of Epictetus begins with these words:
(3) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prohairesis
(2) http://www.iep.utm.edu/epictetu/
"To maintain our prohairesis (moral character) in the proper condition – the successful accomplishment of this being necessary and sufficient for eudaimonia ('happiness') – we must understand what is eph' hêmin ('in our power' or 'up to us'; see Discourses 1.22.9–16). If we do not do this, our prohairesis will remain in a faulty condition, for we will remain convinced that things such as wealth and status are good when they are really indifferent, troubled by frustrations and anxieties, subject to disturbing emotions we do not want and cannot control, all of which make life unpleasant and unrewarding, sometimes overwhelmingly so. This is why Epictetus remarks: 'This is the proper goal, to practise how to remove from one's life sorrows and laments, and cries of "Alas" and "Poor me", and misfortune and disappointment' (Discourses 1.4.23, trans. Dobbin).
What is in our power, then, is the 'authority over ourselves' that we have regarding our capacity to judge what is good and what is evil. Outside our power are 'external things', which are 'indifferent' with respect to being good or evil. These indifferents, as we saw in the previous section, number those things that are conventionally deemed to be good and those that are conventionally deemed to be bad. Roughly, they are things that 'just happen', and they are not in our power in the sense that we do not have absolute control to make them occur just as we wish, or to make them have exactly the outcomes that we desire. Thus, for example, sickness is not in our power because it is not wholly up to us whether we get sick, and how often, nor whether we will recover quickly or indeed at all. Now, it makes sense to visit a doctor when we feel ill, but the competence of the doctor is not in our power, and neither is the effectiveness of any treatment that we might be offered. So generally, it makes sense to manage our affairs carefully and responsibly, but the ultimate outcome of any affair is, actually, not in our power.No one is master of another's prohairesis [moral character], and in this alone lies good and evil. No one, therefore, can secure the good for me, or involve me in evil, but I alone have authority over myself in these matters. (Discourses 4.12.7–8, trans. Dobbin)
What is in our power is the capacity to adapt ourselves to all that comes about, to judge anything that is 'dispreferred' not as bad, but as indifferent and not strong enough to overwhelm our strength of character.
The Handbook of Epictetus begins with these words:
That is, we have power over our own minds. The opinions we hold of things, the intentions we form, what we value and what we are averse to are all wholly up to us. Although we may take precautions, whether our possessions are carried off by a thief is not up us (but the intention to steal, that of course is in the power of the thief), and our reputations, in whatever quarter, must be decided by what other people think of us, and what they do think is up to them. Remaining calm in the face of adversity and controlling our emotions no matter what the provocation (qualities of character that to this day are referred to as 'being stoical'), are accomplished in the full Stoic sense, for Epictetus, by making proper use of impressions."Some things are up to us [eph' hêmin] and some things are not up to us. Our opinions are up to us, and our impulses, desires, aversions–in short, whatever is our own doing. Our bodies are not up to us, nor are our possessions, our reputations, or our public offices, or, that is, whatever is not our own doing. (Handbook 1.1, trans. White)
(3) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prohairesis
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Engineering Rewards Negative Thinking
I wonder if there are any professions that reward Positive thinking.
The health profession? Where you have to help the patient visualize their own healing...
The finance sector where you day dream of making lots of money...
Not the day-trading world. I see how obsessive and negative that environment has become (or maybe always was) since everyone there operates either out of fear or greed. Tsk tsk.
The tourism industry perhaps, where you help people have a good time. I know that under staffing and the resulting frustration is an issue in that industry too.
The fitness industry is definitely powered on positive thinking and all sorts of positive pop-psychology. Of course, human nature intervenes and we do have the over-competitive people. But I can see this industry benefiting from positive thinking.
All this to say that the Engineering world directly benefits from negative thinking. The more doomsday scenarios one can cover for, the better the Engineer.
It is fucking draining. Constantly thinking of how something is going to break or fail, is hardly an objective exercise. I have spent several (meaning thousands of) imagining scenarios of 'operator fault', 'manufacturer's defect resulting in catastrophe', 'possible major and minor failure', 'past catastrophes and how they could have been avoided', etc.
After 13 years, it's not fun. Actually, it started getting painful after year 4. It's one thing to build a model toy car or to build a bridge from spaghetti. It's another thing to make a living incorporating solutions to a myriad of failures that may happen, day after day after day after day...
At first it was gratifying to see, at the end of a project, that no catastrophe had actually taken place - as a result of my work. But the novelty wears off. Then I started looking for recognition from my peers and managers. Tumbleweeds rolling in an abandoned dusty wild west town there.
It's tiring. It's not for everyone.
The older engineers I've worked with get accustomed to the finite number of scenarios they have encountered in their career. Their designs were not the best. They did what they had done for the past 25 years. The covered for some scenarios. And they turned a blind eye to the new scenarios. It was as if the new scenarios were in their blind spot. They had become complacent. The field technologists were different. They thought on their feet and did a really good job even after being on the job for 30+ years. But that was probably because they did not bear the direct responsibility of any failure - which is what the engineer bears - direct responsibility for failure.
High paying professionals like Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers, Accountants don't get payed high salaries because their task is complex. They get paid to take the blame. They get paid to hang by the noose one day. And maybe that is why there is a pandemic of disillusionment among those that practice these professions.
40% doctors leave their profession in the first 10 years. There is a whole industry dedicated to help lawyers transition out of their practice. Engineers... no statistics there... because they keep bloody getting laid off and being made redundant. Not sure how accountants fare, but I have a couple of accountant friends that are well on their way to being professionally burnt out. I should include professors and researchers in this ocean of disillusioned people. They don't bear legal blame for catastrophes, but they are so over-burdened with work that many of them look (and act) broken.
What is wrong with this scenario?
The health profession? Where you have to help the patient visualize their own healing...
The finance sector where you day dream of making lots of money...
Not the day-trading world. I see how obsessive and negative that environment has become (or maybe always was) since everyone there operates either out of fear or greed. Tsk tsk.
The tourism industry perhaps, where you help people have a good time. I know that under staffing and the resulting frustration is an issue in that industry too.
The fitness industry is definitely powered on positive thinking and all sorts of positive pop-psychology. Of course, human nature intervenes and we do have the over-competitive people. But I can see this industry benefiting from positive thinking.
All this to say that the Engineering world directly benefits from negative thinking. The more doomsday scenarios one can cover for, the better the Engineer.
It is fucking draining. Constantly thinking of how something is going to break or fail, is hardly an objective exercise. I have spent several (meaning thousands of) imagining scenarios of 'operator fault', 'manufacturer's defect resulting in catastrophe', 'possible major and minor failure', 'past catastrophes and how they could have been avoided', etc.
After 13 years, it's not fun. Actually, it started getting painful after year 4. It's one thing to build a model toy car or to build a bridge from spaghetti. It's another thing to make a living incorporating solutions to a myriad of failures that may happen, day after day after day after day...
At first it was gratifying to see, at the end of a project, that no catastrophe had actually taken place - as a result of my work. But the novelty wears off. Then I started looking for recognition from my peers and managers. Tumbleweeds rolling in an abandoned dusty wild west town there.
It's tiring. It's not for everyone.
The older engineers I've worked with get accustomed to the finite number of scenarios they have encountered in their career. Their designs were not the best. They did what they had done for the past 25 years. The covered for some scenarios. And they turned a blind eye to the new scenarios. It was as if the new scenarios were in their blind spot. They had become complacent. The field technologists were different. They thought on their feet and did a really good job even after being on the job for 30+ years. But that was probably because they did not bear the direct responsibility of any failure - which is what the engineer bears - direct responsibility for failure.
High paying professionals like Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers, Accountants don't get payed high salaries because their task is complex. They get paid to take the blame. They get paid to hang by the noose one day. And maybe that is why there is a pandemic of disillusionment among those that practice these professions.
40% doctors leave their profession in the first 10 years. There is a whole industry dedicated to help lawyers transition out of their practice. Engineers... no statistics there... because they keep bloody getting laid off and being made redundant. Not sure how accountants fare, but I have a couple of accountant friends that are well on their way to being professionally burnt out. I should include professors and researchers in this ocean of disillusioned people. They don't bear legal blame for catastrophes, but they are so over-burdened with work that many of them look (and act) broken.
What is wrong with this scenario?
Friday, January 1, 2016
"Engineering" Is Failing Because Of Understaffed Departments And Unmanaged Projects
In my experience, understaffed departments and under managed projects were the norm.
I found a thread on that here. The writer of that post is just saying all the things I went through in the last decade.
As I read over the original thread post, I realized that there are several underlying assumptions and expectations that are being painfully violated (is that too strong a word?) daily.
"Violated" wouldn't be too strong a word for what I went through. And "Disappointment" wouldn't be a strong enough word for industry I worked for.
Here are the Assumptions and Expectations that I have as a professional engineer:
(1) Sufficient Staffing: My expectation is that (for simplicity) when there is a client that pays 2X for a project that requires the efforts of 2 people, where X is the salary of one person, the company would put 2 individuals on that project. This happens 5% of the time. I have only experienced it in projects that were small enough for one person to do the job single-handedly i.e. ME.
What typically happens is, whoever (1 person) is momentarily light on work, gets the project. The job may require 2 people or 3. It doesn't matter.
This was an extremely simple illustration. What happened with me in the past year was we got a mega job that needed 8 people on it. We had 2.5. The 0.5 was a technologist so junior, he didn't know the 'DIST' command on AutoCAD. I counted him as 0.5 because he was breathing. The company was getting paid 5X for the project.
Needless to say, it was a miracle we got the deliverables done. And we were only able to do it because we produced painfully sub-par deliverables. Hence I left.
(2) Sufficient Project Management: The project managers are usually so over burdened, that they cannot do their job. Everything is done in a rush, and there was never a single thought wasted between all the high-paid flibbertigibbets in upper management to hire one more project manager. If not for the humanity of helping out the guy who was literally dying trying to keep up - then for the fear of delivering sub-par projects and facing the consequences. Not a single management-level neuron was engaged in that thought for a millisecond.
(3) Taking Our Obligation Seriously: You would think that words like "Ritual Calling Of An Engineer" or "Obligation of an Engineer" would help a person think twice before delivering a shitty project that may harm people. But I have met few engineers that take their obligation seriously. I think accountability is low as engineers are a self-governed. And angry clients file law suits. End of management thought stream.
This happens, I think, because Accountants run the company. Accountants that don't take that oath, and subsequently don't give a damn about the quality of work. They freely make decisions that force engineers to break their own oaths. And the cycle of doom continues. In a court-case, the engineer sits in for questioning - not the accountant general manager that refused to put enough resources on the job.
Some of the biggest engineering failures in history have happened because of honest human failure. Instances when engineers simply did not know any better. But I'm more comfortable with innocent human failure that was an honest mistake - and not the failures that happen due to dishonesty and malpractice. That is simply unconscionable, unforgivable, unprincipled, immoral.
And that is why I left engineering.
I found a thread on that here. The writer of that post is just saying all the things I went through in the last decade.
As I read over the original thread post, I realized that there are several underlying assumptions and expectations that are being painfully violated (is that too strong a word?) daily.
"Violated" wouldn't be too strong a word for what I went through. And "Disappointment" wouldn't be a strong enough word for industry I worked for.
Here are the Assumptions and Expectations that I have as a professional engineer:
(1) Sufficient Staffing: My expectation is that (for simplicity) when there is a client that pays 2X for a project that requires the efforts of 2 people, where X is the salary of one person, the company would put 2 individuals on that project. This happens 5% of the time. I have only experienced it in projects that were small enough for one person to do the job single-handedly i.e. ME.
What typically happens is, whoever (1 person) is momentarily light on work, gets the project. The job may require 2 people or 3. It doesn't matter.
This was an extremely simple illustration. What happened with me in the past year was we got a mega job that needed 8 people on it. We had 2.5. The 0.5 was a technologist so junior, he didn't know the 'DIST' command on AutoCAD. I counted him as 0.5 because he was breathing. The company was getting paid 5X for the project.
Needless to say, it was a miracle we got the deliverables done. And we were only able to do it because we produced painfully sub-par deliverables. Hence I left.
(2) Sufficient Project Management: The project managers are usually so over burdened, that they cannot do their job. Everything is done in a rush, and there was never a single thought wasted between all the high-paid flibbertigibbets in upper management to hire one more project manager. If not for the humanity of helping out the guy who was literally dying trying to keep up - then for the fear of delivering sub-par projects and facing the consequences. Not a single management-level neuron was engaged in that thought for a millisecond.
(3) Taking Our Obligation Seriously: You would think that words like "Ritual Calling Of An Engineer" or "Obligation of an Engineer" would help a person think twice before delivering a shitty project that may harm people. But I have met few engineers that take their obligation seriously. I think accountability is low as engineers are a self-governed. And angry clients file law suits. End of management thought stream.
This happens, I think, because Accountants run the company. Accountants that don't take that oath, and subsequently don't give a damn about the quality of work. They freely make decisions that force engineers to break their own oaths. And the cycle of doom continues. In a court-case, the engineer sits in for questioning - not the accountant general manager that refused to put enough resources on the job.
Some of the biggest engineering failures in history have happened because of honest human failure. Instances when engineers simply did not know any better. But I'm more comfortable with innocent human failure that was an honest mistake - and not the failures that happen due to dishonesty and malpractice. That is simply unconscionable, unforgivable, unprincipled, immoral.
And that is why I left engineering.
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