The Advantage Non-Conversationalists Have Over Others

“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.” 

- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 

The following post is based on a discovery I made with a friend yesterday.

I reflected on the early years of my life when I was a quiet, contemplative person. I loved to hear people talk, but didn't have much to say. If I had any opinions, I held on to them. I didn't think that discussing my opinions would change my mind. I had come to my conclusions after thorough reasoning and so, having my thoughts and opinions refuted and criticized by others didn't appeal to me. I didn't feel threatened by it, I just felt like it was an unnecessary exercise. Then as I grew older, I gradually became more talkative. I think I am a decent conversationalist. (The 7 Habits book taught me the immutable truth that listening is the better part of a conversation.)

Until yesterday, I had thought that being comfortable with speaking to almost anyone, on almost any topic, was only a good thing.

Not so.

The strength that (some) conversationalists have is that they express their views freely and they listen to the views of others freely. So when I speak to people, I am trying to exercise my objectivity (to the best of my ability). The trouble with objectivity is that it is open-ended. When I encounter a thought or opinion held by another, I instantly give it weight and start my mental gymnastics of analyzing, reasoning, and justifying. (I'm not going to consider simply 'talkative' individuals in this post because they are almost never interested in what the other person is saying, and therefore are immune to the pitfalls that I'm about to discuss.)

While this mental gymnastics can be fun while discussing casual topics, you can imagine what happens when I leave myself open to suggestions at a difficult time of my life. If I speak to too many people about a personal subject, I am completely bogged down with far too many opinions. During the most difficult time of my life, when trying to make the decision to resign or continue at my painful job, this habit of consulting with too many people completely crippled my ability to make a (personal) decision. I shared my predicament with too many people (in this instance, anyone other than myself should be considered 'too many') and that led to me considering too many responses and opinions. That was a huge problem. I realized eventually that I couldn't give weight to my own thoughts while the thoughts and opinions of others were crammed inside my head, fighting for space and screaming to be heard.

My profession was a contributor to this behaviour. Every project I had ever worked on needed lengthy discussions with people from different departments. The best work resulted from the right amount of involvement from others. 13 years of working in this field had successfully conditioned me. And now, very nearly all my personal decisions went through a panel.... a panel of friends, loved ones, and sometimes even complete strangers. Sadly, the methods that contribute to a successful project, also contributed to an excruciating painful personal failure. It's sad to realize that I paid for my crime, of committing such a simple mistake, with many distressing months of indecision and turmoil.

Back to my late teenage years, when I was a very quiet and contemplative individual. I used to observe a great deal and had near infinite confidence in my decisions. So I made decisions freely. I accepted full responsibility for my decisions and dealt with the consequences head-on. My personal growth was unprecedented. And I didn't often blame others for ... anything, really.

It was a lonely time as well, because when there was a bump on the road, no one helped me. And I never asked for help. (I didn't really trust anyone's advice either.)

What changed me was University. By the time I was in 4th year, I realized that I had to work in groups and that I needed to interact with others. I had to collaborate with strangers to finish a project. Naturally my conversation skills improved, and as it turned out, I had a hidden love for it.

I love talking to people. I love listening to the varied opinions of people from different walks of life, from different countries, races and cultures.

But...

I have realized the advantage that I used to have when I didn't converse so freely with people:

I implicitly trusted my inner wisdom

And that is something that will either make or break your life. Your entire quality of life is dependent on this one thing: Self-trust.

To non-conversationalists, I say: You have a great advantage over others. You value your thoughts and opinions. Keep that alive. It doesn't matter that others look "cooler" while they chat incessantly about seemingly meaningless, mindless, useless topics. Always remember that you have a strength: self-trust.

To conversationalists, I say: Hold on to your integrity. Listen to your inner wisdom. Conferring with five hundred people will not help you make a decision that is best for you. You cannot value everyone's opinions equally. You can respect the thoughts and feelings of others, from a distance. But realize that you are the master of your destiny. Your successes and failures are your own. You cannot successfully blame others for making your mistakes, no matter how much advice you took and from how many people.

I remember a lady engineer I used to work with, who I respect deeply. She always had this mystical inner strength and a self-reliance that I gazed at in awe. Now I know what it was. This engineer was not a poor conversationalist by any means - she was popular and she was a great public speaker. But I rarely saw her engage in casual conversation. Very rarely.

Suddenly I see a connection: when she needed to consult with others, she did so admirably. But 90% of the time, she didn't need to, and so she kept her thoughts private. And staying private gave her the inherent ability to trust herself and trust her decisions. She was never swayed by anyone, she hardly disliked anyone, she never gossiped, she never asked for anyone's opinion on anything.... She marched to her own tune.

And that is an incredibly powerful way to live.