LEAVE Your Misery Behind: When To Quit Your Job And When To Stay

There are varying degrees of misery in the corporate world. I will write about a few of them here, based on my own experience. Some warrant a departure from the job. Others do not. I will provide a rating for each with Low for Don't Leave Your Job and maybe find ways to mature personally, Medium for Look For a Lateral Move or a Better Job and High for RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. I mean that last one. There are some jobs that are absolutely toxic to who we are as humans and everything we stand for.

When I say 'Run For Your Life' I mean that in order to preserve your humanity, dignity, self-respect, confidence, to protect or recover the trust you had in yourself and in order to invest in your future by nurturing your present: You have to get away from your job at any cost.

(a) Occasional Annoyance (Low): It happens. There is always an annoying co-worker who rubs you the wrong way 20% of the time. This is okay. It just means that you have an opportunity to open your mind to a different personality. It also means that you're human and that you are perfectly OK as you are. You don't need to like EVERYBODY and they don't need to like you either. You do need to get along with everyone at work in order to finish a project satisfactorily. So do it. Read some books on personal development. Or ignore your undesired people. Focus on the things you love about your life, your job, your routine (or lack thereof), the people you love in your life (or lack thereof). Take vacations, enjoy life, treasure your good days at work.

(b) Serious Disagreement with A Co-worker (Low): If this person is an equal in your company's hierarchy, and you are working with more people that this one person, learn to grow from this experience. If they are an equal, learn better communication techniques. Open your mind to new ideas. Hate his guts? Try to stop focusing on him when you are on your own. Don't just foolishly ignore him/her. When you are with him, observe his behaviour objectively. When we see someone we hate, we see something inside them that we dislike about ourselves. This is the rule, not the exception. Use 'The Work' by Byron Katie and open your eyes to something very deep and profound within you. This is an opportunity for Enlightenment. Don't pass it up.

(c) Occasional Disagreement with a Senior Co-worker or Supervisor (Low): This is actually a learning opportunity. The assumption here is that there is no verbal abuse involved, just disagreements. The situation is that your supervisor wants something done a certain way, you disagree, you have voiced your opinions (or not) and supervisor sticks with his decision. In life, this happens. If you are a junior or intermediate engineer, this happens a lot. You have a lot to learn and a senior engineer has a lot to teach you. Learn, learn, learn. You may be confident, but be grateful that someone may show you the ropes. Your ego is good and serves a purpose, but there is no need to stroke it 24 hours a day. Healthy self-confidence is to be applauded. But blinding conceit (which happens to us all) can be met with a healthy alternative of objectivity and a curious nature. Nurture those good qualities in yourself.

(d) Frequent Disagreements with multiple co-workers (Medium): This is a sign. It's a sign that you have values, a method of doing things, and those are incompatible with the people you work with. It's natural. It's human. It's draining for the black sheep - but there is nothing wrong with you. You just quack when others neigh. Find another job. Try out a different department within the same organization. Change is inevitable. It's hard to accept, but try it. You are bound to grow - whether you initiate the growth opportunity or the growth opportunity comes to your door step.

(e) Disagreement with Company Policies (Medium): This is a deep problem. If you see that your values, ethics, reasoning, judgement are being opposed or violated, it's time to find an organization that is compatible with who you are. In a shitty economy, don't quit your job. Keep applying for new jobs and keep looking for the right place to be. If you are in a large corporation, find a small company. If you are already in a small company, try for another small company. NEVER will I recommend that anyone move to a large corporation to find people who honour values, ethics and sound judgement. It just doesn't happen.

(f) Tough Commute (Low - Medium): I've spoken to people who have moved jobs to accommodate their daily schedule. I was actually stunned when I heard this. But I later realized that some people don't really give a shit about what they do all day as long as the hours are reasonable and they get a pay check. Weekly donuts, monthly birthday parties, all these contribute to their overall happiness. They don't take life too seriously and are happy. If you are one of those people, then sure... find another work place to improve your commute. If however, you value your work, do get along with your co-workers, are challenged with your work or are pretty okay with your salary - then don't change jobs. Having even a few of the things I mentioned above is a stroke of luck. Consider moving residences.

(g) You Want A Little More Money (Very Low): This is the worst reason to quit your job. I'm not talking about a $50,000/year raise. I'm talking about $2,000 a year. You'll not even see it on your bi-weekly pay check. I only listed this point because my father's ex-coworker did leave a decent job for a raise of $2000/year. 8 months later they laid him off. Needless to say, this is a stupid reason to leave.

(h) Over Work (Medium - High): I have been overworked most of my life. I have traditionally worked 50-60 hours a week, and got paid for 40 most of the time. It set a very bad foundation for my adult-life-experience. But strangely enough, back then I didn't really mind it. I got paid for it some of the time (when budgets allowed) and I learnt everything very quickly. I managed to keep my work quality high, which was important to me. I occasionally worked the 80 hours, but it was a one-off incident yearly, which I thought was a "no biggie" sort of deal.
Then I joined that last company I worked for. By week 3 (after starting), I was working 60 hours a week. By the end of the second month I was working 80 hours a week. I didn't complain until 2 weeks later when I was given even more work. 100 hours a week. At last, when I realized that I would have to stay a total of 120 hours at the office that week to finish the work, I protested. For the remaining 9 months I worked 80-100 hours a week. I spoke to management every month about reducing my workload. On month 7 or 8, I developed chest pains. When I asked for help, they laughed at me. The most senior manager never got to work a minute before 8:00 and never left a minute after 5:00. But he laughed when I said that I can't do anymore 80 hours weeks.

(i) Abuse (High): Any form of abuse will destroy you.
You know why abusing children is heinous and infinitely worse than abusing adults? Because adults have the ability to walk away from that situation. If you being abused at work, recognize that you are an adult and that you are in a position to walk away. Take ownership of the situation. It would be best for you to leave the job.
Verbal abuse (in private or in public): Verbal abuse is intended to diminish your importance, make you feel smaller, and wrench power away from you. There is no circumstance where suffering abuse is a good idea. There can never be a holy intention where you were meant to suffer.

Bullying (being treated badly, being singled out):
    Group Bullying: You will lose this battle. You cannot fight group bullying. You just have to protect yourself and leave. If you have been targeted by someone who feels threatened by you, and you are new to the organization - you are going to lose this fight. I do not believe that any institution has a system in place for you to be able to fight this.

    Individual Bullying: If you have just one bully, you are not working regularly with your bully, and if they are an equal, then if you stick it out with your organization chances are that the bully will either leave or will get out of your way. I have seen this happen countless times. The bully tends to leave because they are more miserable than you are. Instead, focus on yourself: establish your reputation, your quality of work, and people within your company will value you for the work you do and what you bring to the table. When everything else is working out for you at this job, then don't let one bully deter you from building a successful career at this organization. You can even switch departments or offices if it still bothers you.

Life is meant to be good. There can be challenges now and then, but life is not meant to be excruciatingly hard. Suffering arrives in unpredictable ways. When people have to go through genuine suffering there is nothing they can do about it but accept it. And by this I mean things like war, holocaust, colonization, death of a child, being orphaned.
But for ALL THE OTHER TIMES there is choice. You Must Leave the abusive situation.

If you live in a first world country (like I do), and you are not leaving your job because of poor financial choices you have made, or low self-esteem then you have to take responsibility for your situation and face the fact that you are choosing to be abused. And you can CHOOSE TO GET OUT. Choose to honour yourself.

(j) Slander (High): If you are a professional, this is a career killer. If you have someone out to get you, you better get out. Run. Especially if this person is more powerful than you are and has a long reach within an esoteric community that you work in.

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail. 

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Review: The Degradation of The Democratic Dogma

I stumbled onto a fabulous book credited to Henry Adams and published by his brother Brooks Adams titled, "The Degradation of The Democratic Dogma". I found it in the References section on a paper discussing over-population. Henry Adams was the grandson of John Quincy Adams, the sixth President of the United States.

What a beautiful book. Looks like I'm only 97 years late to the party. The grandsons of the forefathers of America, the most prominent thinkers of their time, predicted the phenomena I'm witnessing today: The (predictable and inevitable) Degradation of (a theoretical and near-impossible-to-implement) Democracy. This phenomenon, that is extremely hard to deny, seems to have been successfully denied by the masses. Accomplished by burying one's head in the sand while the planet progresses into its eventual deterioration, ostrich-people carry on with their lives as if nothing unconscionable were happening and that "democracy" is well and truly in action. Well, at least I can (metaphorically) stop screaming from the rooftops, because even the great thinkers from 1919 couldn't manage to convince anyone that this just isn't so. The gentle voice of progressive thinking is drowned out in the great din of misinformation birthed by the government and propagated by media. And though the forefathers made some optimistically accurate predictions (Brooks Adams predicted New York would be the commercial capital of the world), no one really takes them too seriously when it came to their slightly grim musings.

Ah, humanity! How tightly you hug your monstrously ugly child: Ignorance.

Cynicism and hopelessness aside, I found a few points very intriguing:

(1) George Washington saw the University as the future of America. He saw it as the main avenue through which great ideas would be propagated to the people of America. Would I be stretching my imagination too far to say that he would want most Americans to be educated at a University level?
But alas, this is not the case. False ideologies, canned-thoughts, pop psychology, misinformation, government issued dogma and bigotry masked as patriotism are now propagated at full speed by popular media. I hardly count news channels as propagators of "news" anymore. They are just slightly serious propagators of the mass narrative. Soap operas are the most light weight medium of communicating the same narrative. One need no longer think for oneself. Even popular modern-day autobiographies read like trashy novels... filled with god-like role models, eventual pitfalls and midlife crises and the eventual and dramatic emancipation at the end of it all. And most throw some form of God in there somewhere.

(2) If we are to believe Brooks Adams' narrative, then the loss of the concept of a benevolent God had already sprung roots in the heart of John Adams (6th President of USA). The chaotic nature of America's growth, rooted in two of man's base feelings: greed and fear, had made the Adam's family doubt that the path of America was paved by a kind and compassionate creature such as God.
Absolutely right. Let us not confuse any God or Great Universal Spirit (that may or may not exist) with the unabashed greed and fear that motivates nearly ALL our actions.

(3) The book predicts that the world would belong to money-lenders (i.e. Banks). It predicts that because of this, any concept of democracy would be left behind in the dust. I wish I could tell these great forefathers of America how right they were. How right they were.
Below is an excerpt from a letter John Quincy Adams wrote to Reverend Charles Upham, February 2nd, 1837:
"The great object of my life therefore, as applied to the administration of the government of the United States, has failed. The American Union, as a moral person in the family of nations, is to live from hand to mouth, and to cast away instead of using for the improvement of its own condition, the bounties of Providence.
But, after all, was there a Providence."
The 6th President reflects, without hope, on the privatization of public land by President Jackson.
 The author (Henry Adams) even claims that the president lost heart and lost his belief in God because the Almighty had allowed slavery.

This is so sad.

Painful Real Stories of Engineer Layoffs in Alberta

In 2008, when USA when through a housing crisis and an economic melt-down, the media stayed silent about the heart breaking stories of tens of thousands of families that lost their homes and were forced to live in slums; in dwellings made of tarp and cardboard. Only the independent documentaries covered these heart-breaking stories.

In 2002, when eastern Canada saw the hi-tech industry come crashing down, no one - not a single media outlet - covered the story of tens of thousands of people losing their livelihoods forever. No one interviewed a single engineering graduate to find out what was happening to several thousands of young adults who would have to give up their hard-earned degrees forever.

And now generalized headlines like, "Several people in Alberta have lost their oil & gas jobs" doesn't do the stories any justice. These are real people. They have complicated lives. For many, the fall is hard.

I'm going to talk about two who I know personally. If you want your story told anonymously, please contact me.

(1) A young male engineer. He entered the work force just over 5 years ago. His plan for success was "to make himself indispensable to the employer". (This is the same mistake that I made.) He worked hard, very hard. He tried to make himself indispensable to the employer. He took on responsibilities far beyond his comfort zone and he succeeded. He excelled at difficult tasks and so after 5 years, he was made project lead on a large project. And two weeks later, he was laid off. He had done everything right. He worked hard. He spoke politely to his managers. He made concrete career goals. He didn't cut corners. He dealt with suppliers and contractors cleverly. He made money on the project (i.e. no deficit in the budget). And? And he bought a home. And 4 months ago he had his first child. And today? He is unemployed.

(2) Female technician. Sacrificed several personal goals to further her career. Did not take breaks like she wanted to, so that she could continue on her career path. She worked incredibly hard. Had an unblemished resume - until August 2014 when she was laid off. Now she has a half-year gap in her resume which fills her with dread. In any industry, a half-year gap is the equivalent of career leprosy: No one wants to touch you. She has sold her home. And her husband works for half his wage in a far-off city.

Somewhere I read an obtuse article where the writer was "worried about staffing issues when the economy picks up". I think I mentioned it in one of my earlier blog posts. How about worrying about the people that don't have money to pay their mortgages? How about worrying about creating company policies that give employees a cushion (monetary and work skills) so that they can deal with economic down-turns successfully? How about generating some awareness for future employees on how volatile the oil & gas industry is? How about looking into the lives of the people that are being affected by this oil crash? How about some honest journalism? How about some basic fucking journalism? How about some empathy? Or has the soul-less, lazy, pathetic excuse of journalism you sell taken up so much of your time that you can no longer tell how you are now pandering the wishes of a soul-less corporate entity while stomping on the dignity and respect of real individuals? Pathetic.

I fumed at another recession related article I read today where an HR person said, "The best way to be recession-proof is to make yourself indispensable to your company.". Naivete does not excuse ignorance. I'm so sick of HR people pretending to work for the best interests of the employee whilst doing everything in their power to stomp on individual dignity.

Hear me again everyone: There is no shortage of Engineers on this planet. What there is also plenty of, is greed. Under-staffing problems are not because there aren't enough qualified people in the job market. It's because companies want to stay under-staffed to fatten their bottom line.

If only Engineers had the life-span of fruit flies. Then everyone in HR and upper management would be happy.

Weariness

It is sad,
to have given so much,
that there is nothing left of you,
for yourself.

There is nothing left of you,
for those you love,
for those who love you,
and for those who want to love you.

It was yours to give,
and you've given it away,
to murderers and thieves,
to sycophants and liars.

And now you lie weary,
weary and still,
your heart is beating,
but barely.

Your soul injured,
your feet covered in thorns,
your spirit drained,
your desire turned to ashes.

We are born perfect,
I really see it around me,
children connect to vast reserves,
infinite wells of promise and energy.

I know that if I just lie still,
if I just keep breathing,
I will heal,
it is there...

I have run away,from those
who pushed me to the edge of the precipice
where I stood alone.

There is only silence here,
the beating of my heart,
the darkness around me,
and loneliness abound.

I have run away,
I walked within them
slowly at first,
then broke into a run as they clawed at my feet.

I fought
and I ran,
the clothes of my soul
caught in their lies, and in mine.

I can only hear my heart,
I no longer trust my thoughts,
I am the bearer of my soul,
And that is all that I am willing to do.

I can sense my healing,
it is coming to me,
in the silence,
my peace will join with me.

I have no one to trust,
I need trust no one.
I  have only me,
I hope that I am enough.

A Poem For When You Feel Lost

Whoever Brought Me Here - Poem by Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi


All day I think about it, then at night I say it.
Where did I come from, and what am I supposed to be doing?
I have no idea.
My soul is from elsewhere, I'm sure of that,
and I intend to end up there.

This drunkenness began in some other tavern.
When I get back around to that place,
I'll be completely sober. Meanwhile,
I'm like a bird from another continent, sitting in this aviary.
The day is coming when I fly off,
but who is it now in my ear who hears my voice?
Who says words with my mouth?

Who looks out with my eyes? What is the soul?
I cannot stop asking.
If I could taste one sip of an answer,
I could break out of this prison for drunks.
I didn't come here of my own accord, and I can't leave that way.
Whoever brought me here, will have to take me home.

This poetry. I never know what I'm going to say.
I don't plan it.
When I'm outside the saying of it,
I get very quiet and rarely speak at all.

A Gentle Poem of Hope for the Burnt Out

I'm burnt out. I feel lonely. I feel exhausted. I feel tired, and I don't want to take another step. Not even a step towards my own healing. I've given too much. I gave and I gave, even when I did not have it in me to give. And I did it for too long.

Is that what burnout feels like to you?

I found a kind poem today by John O'Donohue.



A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted
--by John O'Donohue

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.

--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"

A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted

--by John O'Donohue (Jul 26, 2011)

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"

- See more at: http://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=736#sthash.Q1H7eQRR.dpuf

A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted

--by John O'Donohue (Jul 26, 2011)

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"

- See more at: http://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=736#sthash.Q1H7eQRR.dpuf

A Blessing for One Who is Exhausted

--by John O'Donohue (Jul 26, 2011)

When the rhythm of the heart becomes hectic,
Time takes on the strain until it breaks;
Then all the unattended stress falls in
On the mind like an endless, increasing weight,

The light in the mind becomes dim.
Things you could take in your stride before
Now become laborsome events of will.

Weariness invades your spirit.
Gravity begins falling inside you,
Dragging down every bone.

The tide you never valued has gone out.
And you are marooned on unsure ground.
Something within you has closed down;
And you cannot push yourself back to life.

You have been forced to enter empty time.
The desire that drove you has relinquished.
There is nothing else to do now but rest
And patiently learn to receive the self
You have forsaken for the race of days.

At first your thinking will darken
And sadness take over like listless weather.
The flow of unwept tears will frighten you.

You have traveled too fast over false ground;
Now your soul has come to take you back.

Take refuge in your senses, open up
To all the small miracles you rushed through.

Become inclined to watch the way of rain
When it falls slow and free.

Imitate the habit of twilight,
Taking time to open the well of color
That fostered the brightness of day.

Draw alongside the silence of stone
Until its calmness can claim you.
Be excessively gentle with yourself.

Stay clear of those vexed in spirit.
Learn to linger around someone of ease
Who feels they have all the time in the world.

Gradually, you will return to yourself,
Having learned a new respect for your heart
And the joy that dwells far within slow time.
--John O'Donohue, from "Blessings"

- See more at: http://www.awakin.org/read/view.php?tid=736#sthash.Q1H7eQRR.dpuf

The Advantage Non-Conversationalists Have Over Others

“Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.” 

- Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 

The following post is based on a discovery I made with a friend yesterday.

I reflected on the early years of my life when I was a quiet, contemplative person. I loved to hear people talk, but didn't have much to say. If I had any opinions, I held on to them. I didn't think that discussing my opinions would change my mind. I had come to my conclusions after thorough reasoning and so, having my thoughts and opinions refuted and criticized by others didn't appeal to me. I didn't feel threatened by it, I just felt like it was an unnecessary exercise. Then as I grew older, I gradually became more talkative. I think I am a decent conversationalist. (The 7 Habits book taught me the immutable truth that listening is the better part of a conversation.)

Until yesterday, I had thought that being comfortable with speaking to almost anyone, on almost any topic, was only a good thing.

Not so.

The strength that (some) conversationalists have is that they express their views freely and they listen to the views of others freely. So when I speak to people, I am trying to exercise my objectivity (to the best of my ability). The trouble with objectivity is that it is open-ended. When I encounter a thought or opinion held by another, I instantly give it weight and start my mental gymnastics of analyzing, reasoning, and justifying. (I'm not going to consider simply 'talkative' individuals in this post because they are almost never interested in what the other person is saying, and therefore are immune to the pitfalls that I'm about to discuss.)

While this mental gymnastics can be fun while discussing casual topics, you can imagine what happens when I leave myself open to suggestions at a difficult time of my life. If I speak to too many people about a personal subject, I am completely bogged down with far too many opinions. During the most difficult time of my life, when trying to make the decision to resign or continue at my painful job, this habit of consulting with too many people completely crippled my ability to make a (personal) decision. I shared my predicament with too many people (in this instance, anyone other than myself should be considered 'too many') and that led to me considering too many responses and opinions. That was a huge problem. I realized eventually that I couldn't give weight to my own thoughts while the thoughts and opinions of others were crammed inside my head, fighting for space and screaming to be heard.

My profession was a contributor to this behaviour. Every project I had ever worked on needed lengthy discussions with people from different departments. The best work resulted from the right amount of involvement from others. 13 years of working in this field had successfully conditioned me. And now, very nearly all my personal decisions went through a panel.... a panel of friends, loved ones, and sometimes even complete strangers. Sadly, the methods that contribute to a successful project, also contributed to an excruciating painful personal failure. It's sad to realize that I paid for my crime, of committing such a simple mistake, with many distressing months of indecision and turmoil.

Back to my late teenage years, when I was a very quiet and contemplative individual. I used to observe a great deal and had near infinite confidence in my decisions. So I made decisions freely. I accepted full responsibility for my decisions and dealt with the consequences head-on. My personal growth was unprecedented. And I didn't often blame others for ... anything, really.

It was a lonely time as well, because when there was a bump on the road, no one helped me. And I never asked for help. (I didn't really trust anyone's advice either.)

What changed me was University. By the time I was in 4th year, I realized that I had to work in groups and that I needed to interact with others. I had to collaborate with strangers to finish a project. Naturally my conversation skills improved, and as it turned out, I had a hidden love for it.

I love talking to people. I love listening to the varied opinions of people from different walks of life, from different countries, races and cultures.

But...

I have realized the advantage that I used to have when I didn't converse so freely with people:

I implicitly trusted my inner wisdom

And that is something that will either make or break your life. Your entire quality of life is dependent on this one thing: Self-trust.

To non-conversationalists, I say: You have a great advantage over others. You value your thoughts and opinions. Keep that alive. It doesn't matter that others look "cooler" while they chat incessantly about seemingly meaningless, mindless, useless topics. Always remember that you have a strength: self-trust.

To conversationalists, I say: Hold on to your integrity. Listen to your inner wisdom. Conferring with five hundred people will not help you make a decision that is best for you. You cannot value everyone's opinions equally. You can respect the thoughts and feelings of others, from a distance. But realize that you are the master of your destiny. Your successes and failures are your own. You cannot successfully blame others for making your mistakes, no matter how much advice you took and from how many people.

I remember a lady engineer I used to work with, who I respect deeply. She always had this mystical inner strength and a self-reliance that I gazed at in awe. Now I know what it was. This engineer was not a poor conversationalist by any means - she was popular and she was a great public speaker. But I rarely saw her engage in casual conversation. Very rarely.

Suddenly I see a connection: when she needed to consult with others, she did so admirably. But 90% of the time, she didn't need to, and so she kept her thoughts private. And staying private gave her the inherent ability to trust herself and trust her decisions. She was never swayed by anyone, she hardly disliked anyone, she never gossiped, she never asked for anyone's opinion on anything.... She marched to her own tune.

And that is an incredibly powerful way to live.